We all know those moments when we just want to blurt out, “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?” Your partner is fingering you like a jackrabbit, reminding you of a bad date in 7th grade. They go down on you and you can’t help but drift away and think about the cobwebs on the ceiling. They use too much tongue, not enough tongue and sometimes it is borderline painful. Having sex in complete silence or trying too hard to sound like a porn star that it becomes comical. But how do you tell them without totally crushing their sex ego?

Timing can make all the difference in how your words are received by your partner.  Believe it or not, there is a “right time” and a “wrong time” to talk about sex…and you may be shocked when you hear the answer!

Many people associate the bedroom with sex, so you probably feel that the bedroom is the “right” place to talk about it. You may also find yourself compelled to direct (or redirect) your partner while in the act itself. Although that can work for some, it is not the best time to talk sex (unless you want to tell them that you like what they are doing!). Although there are gentle ways to redirect them, the best way to communicate during sex is actually with very few words, if any at all (lovingly moving their hand/tongue/body). Constantly telling them what they are doing wrong can lead to insecurities and fears of trying something new next time - and there is nothing worse for the bedroom than insecurities.

Then, what is the “right” time and place to talk about sex with your partner? Well…anywhere but the bedroom and any time other than during sex. How’s that for an answer?

A more effective and ego stroking way to discuss sexual preferences is in a completely neutral environment, while focusing on what you LIKE. Rattling off what you don’t like about your partners performance in the bedroom is a one-way ticket to the land of resentment.

Let’s say a few weeks ago, your partner did something that you really enjoyed. Aside from letting them know during the moment with either words, moans or body movements, bring it up during a “non-sexual” time. I know, you’re looking for an example, right? Ok…

You and your partner are heading out to run errands. In the car, you could say something like, “I was just thinking about the other night and how awesome it felt when you went down on me. You were so soft with your tongue and kept changing the speed and it was making me go crazy!”

You see? So, a few things are happening here. First, you better believe that the next time your partner goes down on you, there will be that same soft tongue at varying speeds. Second, you are indirectly reducing the chances of them doing whatever else they did that you were not fond of. Third, this opens the doors for your partner to then share something with you about what they like. WIN-WIN. No egos bruised, no awkwardness, no feelings of discouragement.

See, adults are very much like children when it comes to reward and consequences. We love pleasing people and can turn inward and shut down when we feel that people are upset with or disappointed in us.  So, next time your partner does something that drives you wild, make note of it and make sure to bring it up outside of the bedroom. Everyone wants to feel like a rock star in the sac, so focus on singing their praises and watch how your bedroom turns into a sold out concert!

- Split Peaches Staff

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